Forget “the Big Talk”

It’s the moment most parents dread. Happily going through their day, Mom or Dad is stopped short by the eternal question, “Where do babies come from?” They freeze, blush and mumble something about asking the other parent or stammer out answers ranging from the stork to the cabbage patch.

It doesn’t have to be that way. According to Tamara Kreinin, president and CEO of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, parents can use their child’s natural curiosity, media images or even song lyrics as an entry point to conversation.

Speaking on the Emmy-nominated public television show “Keeping Kids Healthy,” broadcast from the lobby of The Children’s Hospital at Montefiore in New York City, Kreinin explains that several conversations, over time, offering simple, age-appropriate answers, can make the process easier for parents and kids alike. “Long term conversation is in -- start early and stay late,” Kreinin said. “Keep talking over time. Not a big serious talk, but something that becomes a part of day-to-day life.”

Pre-school and school-age children

Kids as young as two are often curious about their bodies and may wonder about where babies come from. Parents should stick to short answers; no need to give volumes of information that may only confuse kids who may be too young to fully understand. It’s important to give value to kids’ questions, explains Kreinin, but you can make the conversation more comfortable for you as well. When youngsters bring up topics in public places or other busy times, simply answer by telling them, “That’s a good question. Once we get home we’ll have some hot chocolate and talk about it.” This gives parents time to prepare, if necessary, and also allows the child to feel their inquiry has value.

Once you’re ready to start talking, it’s important to keep the dialogue open. By asking your kids questions instead of giving a practiced speech, you’ll come to understand how much your kids want -- or need -- to know. If they bring up a topic, ask “Why are you asking?” Or, “What do you know about that?” Their answers may provide important information about what they are learning about sex from friends or even their own imagination and it gives parents a chance to correct wrong information.

“Always end the conversation by asking if they have any other questions,” advises Kreinin. This helps kids understand that you want them to know this information and that they can always come to you to get answers.

Pre-teen and teens

As children begin to enter puberty, the need for an open dialogue becomes even more important. Kids need to understand about the changes their bodies will go through, and their parents’ view on sex. According to a 2003 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 60 percent of all teenagers have had sexual intercourse by the time they graduate high school. However, a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health in September 2002 reported that teens whose mothers are involved in their kids’ lives and have open lines of communications, are more likely to delay having sex. “Parents need to talk to their kids about sex, about pregnancy, about AIDS and STDs -- but it also is a great opportunity to talk to their kids about abstinence --about their personal beliefs and feelings -- the most important thing is to keep talking,” commented Kreinin. “You also have to balance the talk, make sure you talk as much about love, respect, tenderness, affection, and dating as you do about sex – kids want to understand it all.”

Parents can send a strong message about their values and beliefs by finding “teachable moments” to bring up tough topics with their kids. A commercial, magazine cover or billboard can open a discussion that might be hard to initiate. Kreinin recommends rides in the car as a great way to find time for one-on-one communication. “Sometimes it’s easier for parents when they don’t have to make eye contact,” she says. It also provides a way to talk about boundaries with your kids.

By discussing the rules and expectations about your child’s dating and social life, parents and kids can come to an understanding. This also allows for a time of negotiation. Rules that are too strict can cause major rebellion. Kids need to know that while you might only allow group dates while they’re in junior high, they’re trustworthy behavior will lead to more freedom as they get older. Clear communication on your rules also makes it easier for your kids to handle situations on their own.

Produced by Montefiore Medical Center in association with Thirteen/WNET New York, “Keeping Kids Healthy” is a groundbreaking weekly children’s health television show that examines real-life issues that kids, teens and parents face. The show pairs parents and children who are actually “living” a topic with nationally recognized medical experts who offer practical advice and tips. Check with your local public television station for airdates and times.